Looking back

I set down my test. I've gone over it about 10 times already and now the time comes to turn it it.

I walk down the empty hall. Leaving the classroom for the last time in 4 months.

Why don't I feel different? School is done, accomplished, at least for now. I have nothing to do for 5 days before leaving for choir tour. I can sit, relax, enjoy friendships. So why don't I feel different? Why is there something still to be done when their is no work to be accomplished. No papers to write. No tests to study for. Why is there not a feeling of euphoria? What is there still weighing down my heart?

It's time to look back, to reflect on what I did wrong this year so I don't do it next year. Time to remember the good times and the funny pictures. Maybe then, I'll see everything that's accomplished. Everything that God has done. And then, maybe then, I'll be free.

Holly and I met. After a week of choir camp, we walked to Target in the burning hot, humidity, accidentally stole a shopping cart from Target ...and had a blast.
We started meeting people throughout the freshman orientation week. There were so many new faces, so many people we thought we were going to be best friends with. Some, we are best friends with still, and some we don't talk to much at all. But God brought so many people into our lives.



Then there was UCO. We struggled to learn all the music and got lovely dresses. But we had fun. Every night before a concert we had a curler tradition where we would do each other's hair in curlers while the other one read out of the Bible (Holly had a OT class, so we always read out of there). The most memorable one, Levi was helping us, more like sitting there laughing at us, but we got to the part in Judges where the Levite's concubine is raped and murdered and cut into pieces...

Speaking of Levi...
This is how I remember him first. He was the crazy, funny, sarcastic boy from across the lawn who forgot my name but remembered that I lived in Newcastle. As time went on though...he became the man that I couldn't get enough of. God taught me a lot through him and still is teaching me, lessons that I don't necessarily want to learn anymore.
My Opa's death came suddenly and without warning. God taught me so much through that time and I believe He was beginning to teach me dependence on Him. I've found I have a problem with placing my dependence in people instead of God...not really a good idea. I miss my Opa dearly, but I know I'll see him again.
Friendship bread was a good time. My cottage has been great. It's weird sitting here without anyone else around.

I know this is random. I know it doesn't really make sense. But that's how my mind is working now. Without the pressure of school I don't really know what to think about...but though I still have a pressure in my chest, I know God will use me for his glory. I'm ready to be used. I'm ready to be dependent on Christ alone.

God is so Faithful!

I'm overwhelmed right now. Let me tell you why
~The man that I love I can't be with for now, but God is faithful and my trust is in His name
~I was in so much pain and just prayed over and over "God take away my emotion, take away my emotion..." until I realized...God isn't glorified in my emotionlessness. He's glorified when the world sees me rejoicing and joyful through the pain :) And I am
~I'm falling even more in love with my Savior every passing day
~I can laugh and cry at the same time
~The girls that I'm living with next year are gifts from God.
We realized that we all compliment each other perfectly. Rissa and I are emotional and touchy. Holly and Lauren aren't very touchy. Holly and Rissa will both tell you how it is, Lauren and I don't like to hurt other people's feelings. Holly and I just both love people and we absolutely love the Word and we're athletic...and we've been roommates for the last year. :)
~We are all going through boy stuff right now. Rissa and I basically have the exact same problem and have been able to point each other back to God continually.
~We all have our own bits of wisdom that combined show each other the love of Christ in everything.
~Last night, Holly was having difficulties and so the Future Roommate Friendship (or FRF) were all praying for Holls...then Lauren left to deal with another boy issue...so the two remaining FRF, me and Rissa prayed for her and then hugged, holding each other for at least a minute while we laugh/cried...absolutely overwhelmed that God has placed us all together.
~God has been bringing random people back into my life.
1. A man that tore my heart out of my chest that I pray for daily but never thought I would talk to ever again emailed me out of the blue and since then has been talking to me at least once a day.
2. I've been able to reconnect to a dear friend from highschool that's athiest who sent me a bumper sticker on Facebook that said "In Christ alone my hope is found, He is my light, my strength my song." I told her that she was worth the world and never to let a guy treat her like she wasn't and told her about Christ and how much hope I have found in Him. She wrote me that when I told her that, she felt power that she'd never felt before and that it meant so much more to her when I said it than her best friends!!! THAT'S CHRIST WORKING!!!
3. My intern who I dearly love and who brought me though so much is also back in my life. And I'm so glad God has given him to me for this time
4. Another high school friend that I haven't talked to for years is talking constantly to me
5. Another ex-boyfriend is also now my friend and he talks to me all the time

Seriously God. You are showing me so much joy through my pain. So much peace through my trails and I am so thankful that you are so faithful.

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

~Lifehouse

I'm so excited to see You work Lord God. Use me for your glory. I want nothing but you're name to be glorified over all the earth

His Pursuit

The pursuit of your heart
The redemption that you chose for me
Your love has set my soul free
You buy me back time and time again
When I prostitute myself to the world
You hedge me with the thorns that encircled your brow
Hiding me from those who would steal me away
You speak in a whisper that shakes the earth
Caressing me with your love
You win my heart back with words of grace
You touch me and my scars are healed
You hold me and I'm made clean
You touch my lips with burning truth
And cover my head with a veil of purity
In joy we dance among the stars
With a renewed heart I find myself at peace in you
You rise up against my enemies and protect me with arms of strength
Your eyes search mine
Searching my heart as well
You know every dark thought and deed
But long to redeem me with your love
You provide for my every need
You long for me with your life
The scars of my sin cover your body
But you love me all the more
When I grow weary your arms lift me over the threshold
You lay me among meadows
You shelter me from the storms
You are my shade in the heat
I'm overwhelmed by the love you show
I cannot fight your pursuit of me
You wait eagerly, patiently
Desiring to show me the secrets of your heart forever